The 27 Commandments of Fanfiction

February 11, 2012 at 10:10 pm (Uncategorized)

Stumbled across this while randomly surfing Fanfiction.net.  This should be required reading for EVERY aspiring fanfic writer, because it is f**king BRILLIANT:

 

The 27 Commandments of Fanfiction

1. Thou shalt not post a fic until it has been checked for grammar and spelling errors. The fanfiction gods hath given you a spellchecker on the computer for good reason. Use it.

2.Thou shalt not post a chapter of less than 100 words, unless it is a drabble. This displeases the masses.

3.Thou shalt not put author’s notes in the middle of the story.

4.Thou shalt NEVER use text-speak in a fic, unless the characters are actually texting.

5.Thou shalt keep to one tense, and only one, throughout the story. Do not switch randomly.

6.Apply the above number 5 to POVs as well.

7. Thou shalt not get offended when someone makes fun of the crack pairing featured in your fanfiction. It probably is rather hilarious.

8.Thou shalt not use :- ) , ;- ) , or :- ( in a fanfiction to show the emotion exhibited by a character.

9.Thou shall try-eth to keep characters in character!

10.Thou shall not treat every criticism as a flame.

11.The author’s note is not a spot for your personal drama, and thou shalt not make it so.

12.Thou shalt not put any form of the phrase “first fic” in thy summary.

13. Thy created characters must not have names that exceed five syllables in length. Nor shall thy name have more than five words in length.

14. Thou shall not insert thyself into the story line as thyself or as a character- yes we know that you are in love with yourself and are very narcissistic, we just don’t want to read about how you end up with the main character.

15.If thou art writing a story that does not follow the original story line, point it out in the beginning.

16.Thou shall not make a person randomly smart or powerful unless stating a reason for the change (a good reason).

17.Thou shalt show and not tell.

18.Thou shalt not EVER use the phrase “I suck at summaries” in-est thine summary. This annoys thine readers.

19.Thou shalt not write the same way thou speak-est- writing is an art.

20.Thou shalt ALWAYS spell the word “okay” correctly. Using the letter “K” is an unacceptable compromise.

21. Thou shalt only use clichés when thou a) art writing a parody or b) find a new and interesting twist to make such clichés bearable to thine reader.

22. Thou shalt always separate dialogue from two separate speakers in two separate paragraphs. Otherwise thine readers shalt be confuse-ed.

23. Thou shalt not EVER make a chapter all one paragraph. THIS INFURIATES BOTH THINE READER AND THE FANFICTION GODS. They have given thee an ENTER key with good reason.

24. Thou shalt not write with thy caps lock on, it displeases the masses and causes thy readers to lose their vision and make angels weep.

25. Thou shalt know how to spell the character’s names correctly before you writeth the fic. Misspelling the name of the main characters makes readers angry and distracts from the story.

26. Thou shalt not say in thine summary “summary inside”. This shows lack of creativeness and infuriates the masses. The only exception is when a summary is cut short and a continuation of it lies inside.

27. Thou shall use paragraphs and space the story so it is not terrifyingly daunting to thine readers.

AMEN, brothers and sisters.  AMEN.

 

*NOTE: I don’t know the original author, and a Google search reveals nothing.  But kudos to you, Original Author, whoever you may be.

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Roe v. Wade at 38, or Cal Thomas talks out his ass again

January 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm (Uncategorized)

Today is the 38th anniversary of the historic Roe v. Wade decision, which gave women the right to abortion. So how does my local newspaper mark the day? By running an op-ed by hardline right-wing conservative Cal Thomas, who compares abortion to slavery (yes, really) and child abuse, pontificates that fetuses have an “unalienable right to live”, and laments “50 million regrets”:

On Jan. 22, the 38th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, think of it this way: 50 million branches of family trees cut off; 50 million regrets over what might have been; 50 million babies who could have brought joy out of sadness and a future that might have contributed substantially to the human race, snuffed out at the beginning of their lives.

Woe! 50 million innocent (and probably white – this is Cal Thomas, after all) smiley babies snuffed out. They might have cured cancer! Or solved poverty! Or something! And they were all healthy and perfect and aren’t here solely because of selfish, callous women who weren’t content to accept their God-ordained role as silent incubators!

…Yeah. But let’s take a closer look at that angst-inducing figure. Of those 50 million abortions Thomas agonizes over, how many of them were of severely deformed fetuses who wouldn’t have survived more than days or minutes outside the womb? How many were to women who would have died had they continued that pregnancy (and more than likely taken Babby with them, resulting in at least two deaths)? How many were to victims of rape and incest? How many were to women who were doing everything they could to prevent becoming pregnant, but those efforts failed? How many were to women who already had at least one child already and couldn’t afford another (hint: around 60%, which means those “family trees” weren’t exactly snuffed out of existence)? How many were to poor and/or minority women (groups to whom Thomas is not noted for his empathy or concern)?

I’d like to know how many times Cal Thomas has been pregnant. I’m guessing “none”, in which case he’s hardly qualified to wax grandiose on the glorious miracle of unplanned pregnancy. He’s never looked at that little stick reading “positive” and thought, “Oh, shit“, never seen his world and all his plans for his life come crashing down around him because the condom broke or the pill stopped working. He’s never had to realize that he’s working two jobs to feed the kids he has and he can’t feed another one. He’s never had to put his life at risk by carrying a fetus for several months, never had to deal with preeclampsia, toxemia, gestational diabetes, pulmonary hypertension, or any of the other potentially deadly complications that can arise in any pregnancy. He’s never had to see the horror on the ultrasound and realize that the cuddly baby he’d hoped to hold in his arms in a few months will instead only live a few short days in constant agony or else require untold surgeries and round-the-clock care for the rest of its life. He’s never had to deal with one violent takeover of his body being followed by another, longer one, never had to be confronted with a daily reminder of pain and hatred. And he’s never been told that the “right to live” of a blob of cells that can’t survive outside its host supersedes his own right to have control over his own body. In short, he knows not whereof he speaks and should shut the fuck up.

So let’s flip Thomas’s wail around into something more realistic:

On Jan. 22, the 38th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, think of it this way: 50 million women who weren’t sent into the single-motherhood spiral of poverty; 50 million women alive today because they could safely end a pregnancy that was killing them; 50 million babies who wouldn’t have served as a daily reminder of the violence and abuse that begat them, and who didn’t become victims of violence and abuse in their turn; 50 million parents who didn’t have to suffer the heartbreak of watching their severely deformed newborn die in agony; 50 million children who didn’t have to come into the world unwanted; 50 million women who didn’t have to risk death or maiming at the hands of a back-alley abortionist; 50 million women who were able to change the world because they weren’t tied down to having unwanted children.

There. Fixed it.

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January 8, 2011 at 4:35 pm (Uncategorized)

When you paint targets on people, you can’t act surprised when somebody starts shooting. Sarah Palin and her PAC may not have pulled the trigger on Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), but they share responsibility for her shooting.

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Why Yoplait ads suck

June 20, 2010 at 7:15 pm (ads, made of fail)

Man, I hate Yoplait ads. The latest one shows a woman staring into a refrigerator at a mostly whole cheesecake, agonizing over how much she can have. Should she have a small slice? A medium slice with celery sticks later? A large slice while jogging in place to burn off the calories (never mind that this woman is already what most of us would consider thin)? A large slice while jogging with celery sticks later? Oh, the agony! Enter Woman #2, who says, “Raspberry cheesecake – I’ve been looking forward to this all day!” as she reaches into the fridge. But does she pull out a huge slice of yummy cheesecake? No, she does not. Instead, she pulls out a cup of “raspberry cheesecake” flavored Yoplait, as Cheesecake Agony Woman exclaims that Woman #2 (who is also alarmingly skinny) has lost weight. Woman #2 extols the virtues of Yoplait. CAW is converted. End scene.

Anyone who’s ever seen a Yoplait ad before knows, of course, that this is just a variation on a theme; there’s also the one with the dude telling his buddy that he gets to eat stuff like pineapple upside-down cake and key lime pie every day (his wife keeps them in the house – bad wifey!) and he’s still lost weight. Wife catches him in his liefest, picks up Yoplait cup, and does the “ahem” face. Dude hangs up with “Um, I gotta go,” because heaven forbid his bro should realize he’s eating yogurt! That’s like, the ultimate chick food or something!

I’ll admit it: I like Yoplait yogurt. I’ve tried several brands, and find that Yoplait tastes pretty good (when it sticks to flavors like cherry, peach, and vanilla) and it’s got a decent texture. But there’s something about those ads that just squicks me the hell out. Why can’t you just have some key lime pie or raspberry cheesecake once in a while? Why should you have to settle for some vaguely-similarly-flavored-if-you-concentrate-really-hard dairy product? I mean, a lot of us want to lose weight; I’m trying to drop a few pounds before the August ballet intensive (1 month, 3 weeks to go D-: ). But what a miserable existence, spending your days obsessively counting calories and settling for “sorta tastes like”.

Of course, Yoplait is far from being the only offender – I banned Special-K from my house after an especially offensive commercial showing a perfectly thin woman going on the Special-K Diet after getting her butt stuck in a child-sized chair. And I know America has an obesity epidemic on its hands. But I’m so tired of seeing these ads showing skinny people decrying their own fatassness and shunning real food for yogurt and cereal flakes. Life is too short to not enjoy REAL food on occasion.

Now pass the chocolate raspberry cheesecake.

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Your tax dollars at work

May 1, 2010 at 11:12 am (Uncategorized)

Apparently Virginia’s Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has WAY too much time on his hands.  Having put the GayHunt on hold for the moment, The Cooch seems to have decided that the greatest threat facing the state at the moment is not guns, drugs, or even organized crime, but rather…Teh Bewbs.

You know, unless those lapel pins are the size of dinner plates, you can’t tell the goddess Virtus has it…well, half-hanging out; it just looks like she’s wearing a one-shoulder toga.  So either The Cooch has extremely sensitive boobdar, or he really needs to find something else to occupy his time – the man hasn’t even been in office for four months (and for the record, I DID NOT vote for him) and he’s embarrassed us at least twice already.

At least I have some minor consolation in knowing that Lieutenant Governor Bill Bolling (who I did not vote for either, BTW) hasn’t jumped on the Let’s-Make-Virginia-Look-Stupid bandwagon…yet.

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Cialis: It does landscaping too!

April 30, 2010 at 10:49 pm (Uncategorized)

Or so the latest commercial would have you believe.  Middle-aged dude takes Cialis for Daily Use, and voila!  Painting the house becomes sexytiems!  His backyard is magically transformed into a romantic jungle!  With a waterfall!  And ferns floating in a crystal-clear, gently flowing stream!  And he and his (presumably) wife bathe in the crystal-clear stream…in separate bathtubs.  What’s wrong with this picture?

Yes, I know things are different in Ad World, and Cialis ads have always been goofy.  But seriously, if Cialis is supposed to bring on The Sexxoring, shouldn’t they at least be in the same tub?  And how would you even lug twin claw-footed bathtubs into your backyard, anyway?

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